thoughts about how reality and the blog world collide
So, there’s this weird confluence between the story being portrayed in Masculine Exegesis, and all sorts of issues. On the one hand, I know my audience would like to know who she is. (And, as of when I first begin this as a draft, there was also the concern that “She herself would probably like confirmation that that’s her and not someone else.”) Yet, at the same time, there’s all sorts of issues - I’d be violating her anonymity in ways she hasn’t approved of if I divulge said information without her consent. And yet I’d need to confirm that that’s her in order to ask her for consent to divulge information about her. In my dream world, she’d create a blog, post a comment here, and say “I think that’s me” - but that would require more gumption from her than I’m expecting - but then, considering that I barely know her, I might be in for a surprise. (And, in the original draft of this, I had, in parenthesis an “If you’re reading this, hint hint.”)
However, 2: Info Limbo No Go did really help me achieve four different things, only some of which pertain to progressing along with her:
- enables a plot transition for next time in terms of how the “friend” responds
- begins to hint at the answers to some of Ingrid’s questions
- hints to her, in a very round-about way, that it is indeed her (because I did acquire some information - and it is a question of whether or not my information source will relate to her that I did acquire some information or not)
- explains that I’m definitely not trying to be some “Superman hero who can save the day”
The whole acquiring information and the issues associated with it became a major theme in Warrior Advice.
But, because this is a story, yet it is grounded in reality, at least for the time being, and there’s information I don’t feel like it would be appropriate to divulge, it will be really hard for me to respond to certain comments on the story. Please feel free to critique it as a story - but in terms of responding to it as part of my life story - this will, at least for a while, be a bit awkward for me. I am pushing the envelope of how much of my own life I can make public without having to drag other people into it and deal with issues of “I never told you you could publish that piece of information about me to the rest of the world”. The way that makes me feel is very awkward indeed. Because I don’t want to come across as some obsessed stalker - yet at the same time, the story has garnered interest and feedback suggesting I should pursue it. This is blurring the bounds between reality and fiction in ways that I can’t admit I’m totally prepared for.
In Ingrid’s comment I see everything I had been afraid of - my omission of her gratitude for the flowers caused Ingrid (and perhaps others) to draw an incorrect inferrence about her. It wasn’t important to me whether or not she thank me. It was important to me whether or not she liked them. I did mention, in the installment that she liked them. I thought that was good enough.
I try not to say “thank you” when I don’t mean it. I don’t expect it of people, and I know often people will say it out of obligation anyway. I really try not to say “you’re welcome” unless I absolutely positively mean it. Which actually isn’t all that often. This is all very similar to my rant about “how are you” as a question. Thanking me means often means very little to me - if it is something worth doing, it is worth doing regardless of the thanks or lack thereof.
Ingrid’s comment irked me. I can’t know if she’s “swine” - none of us (and by “us” I mean regular readers/commenters) can know. There’s far too much not-knowing floating around. And wrestling with this is something I’ve been trying to do. But, while her comment irked me, I thank her for it none-the-less because it is a perspective that I should be aware of, as an option amongst the perspectives I could adopt.
Oddly enough, I was thinking of a different Bible verse about pearl(s) - the one about the person who found a very valuable pearl and sold everything to get it. But this harkens back to my issues with codependency.
“And, forget about yourself too. Get on with your work, work hard, get out and about, take up hobbies, follow through on outside interests and put yourself out to help others, family and friends. Things will start falling into place naturally (when you least expect it too) if you do all of those things. In short, snap out of it and make the most of your health, life and living. Too much introspection is not good or healthy.”
The thing is, I’ve done all that probably too much these past few months. I was far more introspective before that. I mean, especially those during the timespan from June 17, 2003 all the way until I finally got around to blogging about my reunion were, in fact, things I spent far longer brooding over - for that was the great period of loneliness, after an ex-girlfriend whom I’d perhaps been with for too long broke up with me and I had to come to terms with the fact that everything that I had invested in her emotionally had come to naught. In retrospect I’m glad it did, but at the time, I really had to do some soul-searching to piece my life back together.
Now is cake compared with that. You think this introspection is bad? You ain’t seen nothing. I have been so living it up that I’ve aged quite a bit. You see, I’ve done all that - but it isn’t what I blog about.
I realized that not only has my blog become my resume, my portfolio, and my avatar - it has also become my soapbox and an emotional substitute to a confidant. I should probably ease up on using it for that last one - for when technology substitutes for people (even if it is a “people aggregator” like a blog kind of is), things don’t work out well. This misunderstanding being a case in point.
I’ve always noticed a duality between anonymity and accountability, and I realize that if I am going to revel in my lack of anonymity then I need to be more accountable to ensuring that my writing isn’t nearly so easily misinterpretted - which means that when I read it, I need to ensure that it will either be incomprehensible to those who haven’t read my earlier stuff or comprehensible unto itself - which isn’t something I like.
So, next time, if it is cryptic and it is about my life, it is probably cryptic for a reason.
As for how the trip to Toronto went - I’ll put that in another post. Clearly though, I did NOT break both arms while snowboarding.
b33